I started off not caring about these boys nor there feelings. I had this going on for a while. Some avoided me, some completely erased me from there life. Which again did not faze me in any way. They were all just my toys i had loved playing with, & when i got tired of them i dropped them and always found myself a new one. Everything i was doing was for my enjoyment. At the time i did not even care if i would see them again, to be honest i never wanted to see them again. I knew what i was doing was wrong. But i knew that if i had looked at it in another way, it would of been worse for me. I don’t take rejection very well. None of these boys ever rejected me, i had them all in the palm of my hand. It’s not being conceited it is just if your able to have boys like that you can really say it, it might not make any sense to you but to me it does;maybe you should try it. But make sure you know what you are doing & stay focused. I got carried away, i got selfish. Having to many at once started to much drama. But that was my mistake i didn’t choose them wisely. See some boys already did know “the deal” no attachments, no feelings. But then some boys didn’t get it. Those were the worst, they never left me alone, these boys just kept wanting more & were very impatient. These boys actually started to open there mouth because they didn’t get what they want.
From that point i slowed down & i realized that maybe im not really capable of doing something like this. Slowing down wasn’t somehitng i was used to, but i kept going & didn’t complain. I had lowered it down to a perfect count. Not just that i made sure none ever spoke of me to anyone. You can say i was living life like a rockstar.
Four..was my perfect count. My number one “the best“i knew i would never leave him, he was so intresting i couldn’t just let him go. He would never lie to me, nor ever keep anything from me. The only problem with him was that he would never come through. My number two he was “the badboy”. He understood exactly what i wanted from him, & thats why i couldn’t let go of him. He was so attractive, he would have me lost in his eyes. Might be hard to believe but he actually played me a couple of times, but i still didn’t leave. why? because of the fact that i was doing the same to him & plus i had no feelings towards him. My number three “the comedian” he just made me laugh all the time. If i was upset & i needed a smile he was the one that i would always ask for help, i thought in the begining that i could just make him my friend but i couldn’t; he was to good at his job for me to just put him in a silly spot like that. I always gave him his payment in the end. My number 4 “the lover” he was the first one i left, but quickly got back. He was the type of boy that would always know what to say to you, he had all the ‘ingredients’ i wanted in a guy. Well, long story short he’s the type every girl ever wanted. But he never wanted no other girl but me, he loved me & once i really seen and believed he really did; there was no way i was able to leave him.
People could of called me anything they wanted i never cared. They were just the people that wanted what i had, and were so upset at the fact that i had it & they didn’t. I had my followers, of course they could of never gotten it as good as i did. But i would always remember them, they amused me in a way that it just made want to keep on doing it..i was addicted
As time past, i stilll had my perfect count. They never knew about each other, & that was the way i wanted it. I would be with each one of them everyday. I had my own schedule with them. No matter what i always gave them my time.
There was one day when i was with my number 4 “the lover”. He wanted to go to “Burger King” but for some reason i didn’t want to go. Before i gave him an answer i stood there thinking of a reason why i couldn’t just go. It came to me, i simply couldnt go because i didn’t want to be seen with him. From that point i knew i had to let him go. That same day i told him we had to stop our relationship, because i wasnt capable of handling the fact that if i keep on being with him that i will hurt him. He was very confused at the time, and kept asking why. I thougth he already knew, but he didnt. I was afraid to tell him. From that day, i stopped having any contact with him. I layed in bed that night & asked myself “why do i care?” I was so cruel to him & i knew he was so fragile i don’t know what ever made me do such a thing. That was the first time i cried myself to sleep because of a boy.
Days went by, and i had more time for each one of them. I changed my mind & didn’t want to hurt anyone, just becasue i didn’t want any of them remember me as “that girl that hurt me”. So rid of my number 3 “the comedian”, he wasn’t pleased at all. He got aggresive & i definately did not want that at all. He made it easier for me. I honestly didn’t want to get rif of him he was someone i thought i needed for the rest of my life.
After that, i had to get away from it all. I told my number one & number two that i needed some time away. They both understood, & both told me they would be waiting. I took two months away from both of them. Of course i got messages & calls from both, but i never answered. It wouldn’t of helped me at all if i did. I knew that once i answered either of them it would be bad for me.
Once i came back, both of them were different….the only thing that stood the same was that they both still wanted me & they both still had no idea about each other and what i’ve done.
Having them both, was the most amazing experience. They both gave me everything i wanted & more. I would always fantasize about them both combining somehow and making one person, but i knew that would never happen.
I started to not like how everything was going anymore. I was seeing my number 2 “the badboy” way to much then usual. As for my number 1 “the best” i barely saw him.
My badboy was starting to affect me in a way i culdn’t stand anymore. He would play to many games with me. Of course i knew i was playing games myself but what he was doing was uncalled for. He would lie to me about the such little things, none of it was needed. He would start to argue with me over nothing. I couldnt take anymore of it & i told him to go on and whatever he wants & from that day i started givning my time to my number 1. I thought about finding more but then i actually like giving my time to “the best”. He occupied my time very well. Everyone got used to the fact that me and him were together. That was something i had to stop, even though i loved it i couldnt let it keep going. I started to change my ways with him & he didnt seem to like it & knew what i was trying to do…well atleast he thought he knew. He didn’t care what i was trying to do. It seemed like he didn’t want me to leave & he did everything to try to make it better. I actually felt somehting the first day he told me he wanted me, & tears came down my face. He was the first boy to ever see me cry. I stood with him for a while thinking he actually was the only one that was ever able to change my ways.
Me & my number 1 could never stay away from eachother, but i had to be somewhere for a month. We had talked the day before i left & he told me that he doesn’t want me to have another time alone. He told me he would call & send me messages and calls,& he did just that. As my time away was ending i stopped receiving messages & calls. I would never call and as for messages i would never send more then one. My number 1 had completely forgot about me. That thought in my had gave me so pain and suffering. I finally came back form my month away & i went to a celebration and he was there. Once i saw him i still had gotten the same smile he always gave me, but he wasn’t giving me that smile he was giving another the same smile. I tried so hard not to let tears come down my eyes but he saw me and my eyes were getting ready to burst into tears. His jaw drops and come straight to me and doesnt say anything, i look at him & i say “hey”. I wanted to say other things but i didnt want him to ever see that side of me ever again. The other girl came towards us and introduced herself to me, i looked at her with so much hate & i walked away..That day i knew my days with my number one was over.
From that day i started to give my time back to my number 3 “the comedian” but it wasnt the same as it used to be so i started avoided him again.
I would always daze off and think about doing my whole “production” all over again but maybe this time with different products(boys).
I gave myself sometime before i started anything….
TIME WAS UP & i started searching. But none of the boys ever fell under my radar. I tried talking to a few but there personalities were bad & some were really cocky, and a few just didnt know what they wanted. Still searching until someone caught my eye. It was my badboy , but this time he came to me as a whole different person & i instantly liked it. But i knew i couldnt just fall for him so fast, or even fall at all. I was different myself, as you can tell i wasnt the same & i actually started even getting a feeling. I thought about it before i even tried, all i kept thinking about was my number 1 what if my badboy does it to me? i wouldnt be able to handle it. But then again i already knew my badboys game. I knew every single one of his foolish lines & i knew when he would tell me the truth and when he would lie to me. I decided to spend my time with him & i gave him so much of my time. & i seen it wasnt just games. So i put my gaurd down.
He wanted to take it serious, so we tried but never worked out. We were just two jealous people that couldnt take it. I didnt like the fact that a girl would even look at him & he wouldnt like the fact that a boy would even complement me. So it wasnt really a good idea to try that. But then i find out some intresting facts about this badboy. He was playing me the whole time. He lied to me. I couldnt take it i didnt believe that something like that would pass me, i never thought it would happen. & i blamed myself for his mistakes. After that all i ever wanted was REVENGE. But i wasnt going to stoop down to his level so i let it go, & pretended like it never happened.
Everything was happening so quickly so many things were changing. I felt myself caring about him. And caring about what he actually does, i started to talk to him more but i would always hesitate and think about what exactly im going to say to him. Because if i say something and he doesnt feel the same i know he wont hesitate to hurt me, to me i felt as he really didnt care himself. But i had every reason to think so, what he did to me was wrong and un-accepatable & for me to take him back was a really foolish mistake that noone makes. But i never wanted to be like everyone else so i didnt care & i went my own way. But that way led me to getting hurt over & over again, the badboy was a type of person to never change. He just stood with me because i was actually something/someone he liked to be with & nothing more.
As days went on, i started realizing that i actually have something for this badboy. Even knowing all the torture he put me through it never mattered, because he would always come back. But all i ever thought about was my number 1 and how he would never say or do anything to even try to hurt me…
i stayed confused.
I had came to a conclusion that me and this badboy will never be. & i went with my first thought and decided to go back to my number one. But i never ended it with this badboy, i still used him as a toy. As for my number one, it didn’t ever occur to me that he would find out about this badboy, nor did it matter to me. He would always ask me about it & i would always lie, just because of the fact that he was noone to me and i didn’t have to tell him anything. Plus he didn’t deserve my honesty after what he did. That wasn’t my revenge that was just something i knew he would never get again.
REMEMBER THAT ^
i always loved spending my time with him he never dissappointed me. I was always happy. Don’t get me wrong i wasn’t just using him i just never thought abuot it that wya i just did it because i never wanted to be alone. even thought i would prefer to be alone i ddin’t. I always knew that i didnt always need a man to make me happy. I can make myself happy. & that’s just what i was doing all over again with my numbers one & two. Pretty harsh yes, but what else was i able to do i couldn’t just be with one of them. What amusement would i get out of that. Think about it this way these boys had no idea who they were dealing with, they looked at me as if i was just like every other girl & i didn’t have a problem with that because if they knew the real me trust me, they wouldn’t be able to handle it. I had them both once again, they might of known about each oher but once again it didn’t reallly ever mater to me. I felt bad at times because they will get emotional at times & tell me they wanted me or they loved me. I loved it, it made me feel way bigger. These boys really thought they i was with them for that one reason but they were both wrong. I was just toying with them, just because of the fact of what they both did to me. You can say that was the begining of my “revenge”
At this point i was some what cold hearted but noone ever told me anything they just knew everything. Even there own friends knew. Thats sad, i th ought by them knowing they would rat me out, but that never happend. I had this going on for a while and i couldn’t put an end to it. This game i was playing was too much fun. It was enjoyable having to tell them both the same thing. For instance when they would see me in one of the others car or party or where ever we were, it didnt matter to me i would just tell them its nothing. Because that was the truth it was always nothign i would have with each one of these boys. Why? because i gave them a chance & they both took my heart & stepped on it & never shed a tear or had a heart to apologise. Thats why i didn’t feel bad for them at all. If anything that thought just made want to do what i was doing even more. I realized i was addicted all over again.
